258. Things you'll never hear me say (Part 14) No judgement here

:: 00:05

Hello and welcome to this episode of the Drink Less, Live Better podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Williamson, and I'm really glad you're here. Today we're hitting another episode of Things You'll Never Hear Me Say, and I keep hearing it everywhere at the moment. I'm non-judgmental. You can say anything you like, no judgment here. No judgment here. And you won't hear me say it because, for me, it's not true. And I'm here to tell you, it's not true for you either.

:: 00:42

We hear it all the time, don't we? Oh yes, say what you like, you can be completely honest, I won't judge you. We use it as a type of social currency, a way of signalling safety, a way of saying, feel okay with me. And I understand the intention. It usually comes from somebody wanting to be supportive, but it is just not true. Telling someone you aren't judging them whilst you are judging them in your head is disingenuous at best and a big fat lie at worst.

:: 01:23

Maybe what we mean when we say, I won't judge you, is, I won't tell you how I'm judging you, or I'll be judging you, but quietly in my head, or I'll keep my judgments to myself until I get home. We judge constantly. Of course we do. Our brains are prediction machines. They scan, sort, label, categorise. Within milliseconds we decide, safe or unsafe, good or bad, like me or not like me, threat or opportunity. It's fast, it's automatic, it's totally human.

:: 02:02

Judgment is not about moral failings. It's actually brain chemistry. Thousands of years ago, these really quick judgments we made kept us alive. If you paused to thoughtfully consider whether the rustling in the bushes might be a saber-toothed tiger, you didn't last long. Quick decisions meant survival. Judgment was protective, and in so many ways it still is.

:: 02:32

There may not be the saber-toothed tigers now, but we're judging situations to decide if we should speak up. We judge people to decide if we can trust them. We judge environments to decide if we belong. Judgment helps us to navigate the world. So when we say, I'm non-judgmental, we might actually mean, I won't shame you, or I won't criticise you, or I won't reject you.

:: 02:59

You might tell me something and a judgment will pop into my mind, instantly, uninvited. Maybe I think, oh yes, that makes sense, or I wouldn't do it like that, or oh my goodness, that sounds risky. The judgment appears before I've consciously chosen anything. And the difference isn't whether the judgment shows up. The difference is what I do with it next. Do I think about it and cling to it? Do I build a story around it? Do I let it shape how I treat you or respond to you? Or do I notice it and stay curious?

:: 03:38

And this is where I think a more honest part can come in. Open-mindedness. Open-mindedness acknowledges that judgments will arise. It doesn't pretend we're above being human. And instead it says, I'm willing to look at my judgments and I'm willing to question them. I'm willing to expand beyond them.

:: 04:00

Open-mindedness has humility in it. Non-judgmental can sometimes have a subtle superiority added into it. As if I've transcended something you are still stuck in. Open-minded says, hey, I'm in this messy human experience right alongside and with you. So you will hear me say, hmm, let's talk about that. I'm open-minded. And this is my invitation for us to think about the subject together from a place of, let's see where we get together, get to, together with this.

:: 04:38

Judgments are fast, but they're not always accurate. They're shaped by culture, upbringing, past pain, personal values. They are biased. And if we pretend we don't judge, those biases operate unchecked. They steer our reactions silently. They influence how we treat people. But if we acknowledge our biases, we can work with them.

:: 05:01

Is it aligned with the person I want to be? Imagine a world where instead of declaring no judgment, we said, I will notice my judgments and I'll be interested in them. Conversations would perhaps feel more honest, less threatening. Growth would feel a bit more possible. Because when I admit I judge, I can also admit I am often wrong.

:: 05:28

It might mean hearing a perspective that challenges your worldview and resisting the urge to shut it down. It might mean recognising that your first reaction is not your final truth. For the people you live alongside, it means they get to be human too, not filtered through your assumptions. Open-mindedness doesn't mean abandoning your values. It means you hold them with awareness. You understand why you believe what you believe, and you allow room for nuance.

:: 06:01

You can find me on Instagram at drinklesslivebetter, doing a lot of handstands at the moment, and online at drinklesslivebetter.com, where you'll find lots of supportive resources. Check out today's podcast show notes for a link to a hidden episode that will help with 5pm cravings and details about my one-to-one life coaching and sober coaching programmes. And PS, I believe in you.