206. Things you'll never hear me say (Part 9) "This is a safe space"

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Hello darling heart and welcome to this episode of the Drink Less, Live Better podcast.

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This is the podcast that helps you to see that drinking less doesn't need to be stressful, lonely, or boring.

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I'm your host, Sarah Williamson, and I decided to have a year alcohol free as a little life experiment and haven't looked back.

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I'm here to support you with your alcohol free or drink less adventures.

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You can follow me on Instagram at drink less, live better, or find resources on my website, drinkless,livebetter.com. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Let's get straight to it.

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Today, we return to the series of things you'll never hear me say.

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I haven't done one of these for ages, and this is long overdue. Today, we have part nine. This is a safe space.

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Something that's been on my mind lately.

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I've written about it in my email club and talked about it with one to one clients, but I haven't declared it on a podcast yet until now. Hang on a sec. What did you say? You're not in my email club. Well, what are you waiting for?

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Head on over to the show notes now and get signed up. Press pause. I'll wait. You do that. Okay. All done. Signed up for the email club? Great. Good work. Right.

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Onwards with the thing you'll never hear me say. This is a safe space.

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Now, before you think I've completely lost all sense and reason, hear me out.

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After forty seven years on this planet, countless coaching and mentoring conversations over fifteen years, and my own lived

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experience, I've come to a solid set of reasons why I'll never use this phrase. My reasons might surprise you.

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They might set a light bulb off for you or they might light a fire under you.

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In the recent past, when someone I know and love has declared their space to be safe, I have felt bold enough to challenge

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them on their assumption and say, I appreciate that you think this is a safe space, but I get to decide for myself what is safe.

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I won't take your word for it. Thank you.

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First off, I believe that telling somebody else this is a safe space is patronising.

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When someone declares this is a safe space they're essentially appointing themselves as the guardian of that space.

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It's like saying don't worry, I'll protect you, and are they qualified to do that?

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If it's in a group setting, are they in control of what everybody else might say or do? I don't think so.

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As adults, we've navigated plenty of difficult circumstances and situations before.

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We don't need someone to designate a space as safe for us to open up or share our thoughts.

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We either will or we won't share depending on whether our nervous system feels able to or not.

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My second reason might be a bit controversial, but what the heck?

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When we label something as a safe space, we're implicitly suggesting that everywhere else is unsafe.

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It's creating a false dichotomy that doesn't really reflect life.

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The world isn't divided into safe spaces and unsafe spaces. It's far more nuanced than that.

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Oh, and we know how much I love some nuance, don't we?

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Most spaces exist somewhere in between, and learning to navigate that complexity is part of being a human.

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Learning to judge and then trust our judgment, our intuition, our gut feel is so important when it comes to us recognizing our own safe spaces.

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As kids, our parents did not declare the playground a safe space.

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They might have just dropped us off there, or maybe they taught us how to use the equipment properly and what to do if we fell.

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As adults, we develop tools to handle difficult situations rather than always seeking designated safe havens.

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And here's my third reason, which I think is important.

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By declaring a space safe, we might actually be setting ourselves up for failure because no one, absolutely no one, can actually

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guarantee safety in any space, emotional or otherwise.

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Real conversations, meaningful discussions, they often involve some degree of discomfort and therefore insecurity and instability.

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Growth usually does happen when we're slightly uncomfortable, doesn't it?

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Safe means something different to each of us. Let's remember that too.

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My version of safe has a different set of requirements than your version of safe.

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What I prefer to say to clients instead is something like, I'm here to listen without judgment, or let's approach this conversation with openness and compassion.

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These phrases are honest promises I can really keep rather than a blanket statement about safety that might not hold true.

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In my experience, what people really want isn't a safe space. They want to be heard.

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They want to know their thoughts and feelings will be treated with respect and the utmost care.

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They want connection, and that doesn't come from a declaration of safety.

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It comes from demonstrating trustworthiness through actions.

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As a teenager, did your friend ever declare their kitchen table or beanbag in the bedroom a safe space before you felt comfortable sharing your deepest worries with them? Probably not.

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The trust was built over time through consistent actions and genuine care.

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Let's focus on being genuine, being present, and being respectful.

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Let's acknowledge that difficult conversations might make us uncomfortable, and that's okay.

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Let's trust in our ability and other people's abilities to handle complex discussions without needing to label the space we're in.

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What do you think about the declaration of safe spaces?

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Drop me an email and tell me. Sarah@drinklesslivebetter.com. Thank you for listening in today. Come back again next week.

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Check out the show notes for a link to join the email club, and you'll also find a hidden podcast episode that will help you

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with your 5PM cravings and details about my one to one life coaching and sober coaching programs. And, PS, I believe in you.