275. Expectations - reasonable and unrealistic!

:: 00:06

Hello and welcome to this episode of the Drink Less, Live Better podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Williamson, and I'm really glad you're here with me.

:: 00:15

You can have expectations that are completely reasonable and yet wildly unrealistic at the same time. We expect ourselves to get through a difficult week without feeling overwhelmed. We expect a partner to understand what we need without us saying it out loud. We expect a friend to show up in the way we would show up for them. None of these expectations seem excessive when we first think about them. However, life has a way of revealing the gap between what we expect and what is actually humanly possible.

:: 00:54

I think expectations sometimes begin with something very normal. We use them to create a sense of order. They help us imagine how things should go. They allow us to make plans, set goals, and build relationships. Without expectations, life would feel a bit uncertain and unpredictable. But challenge comes when our expectations quietly drift away from reality.

:: 01:22

Many of us have spent years developing high standards for ourselves. We've learned to be responsible. We've managed households, careers, families, finances, and countless invisible tasks that nobody else sees. We tell ourselves that we should cope, we should know better, we should be able to handle things, we should keep going. And there's often a belief that because we have done something before, we should be able to do it again under any circumstances. But circumstances change. Energy changes. Finances change. Capacity to cope changes. Life changes. What was manageable yesterday might not be manageable today.

:: 02:07

Holding ourselves to a high account can be valuable. It helps us keep commitments. It allows us to build trust with ourselves. It can motivate us to grow and improve. But at the same time, there will be a hidden cost. When our standards become disconnected from our current reality, we start measuring ourselves against a version of ourselves that may no longer exist. The person who could survive on little sleep. The person who had fewer responsibilities. The person who had more emotional capacity available. It can take a long time to realize that we are expecting today's version of ourselves to perform under yesterday's version's conditions.

:: 02:53

And the same thing happens in our relationships. Many disappointments come from expecting people to give what they simply do not have available. That does not mean they are bad people. It does not mean they do not care. It may simply mean that our capacity is different from ours. If you have hung around me for any length of time, I am sure you will have heard me say, "You cannot expect yourself from other people." One person may naturally provide emotional support. Another may struggle with emotional conversations but show their care through practical actions. One friend might check in regularly. Another may disappear for weeks, but you'll still feel deeply connected. We often judge other people's contributions using our own personal rulebook. And the difficulty is that they're likely to be operating from an entirely different one. Sometimes we expect others to communicate the way we communicate, to prioritize what we prioritize, and to notice what we notice. And when they don't, disappointment follows.

:: 04:03

And there's nothing unusual about that. Disappointment is often the emotional signal that tells us reality and expectation have moved in two different directions. But what do we do next? Well, some people use disappointment as evidence that they have failed. Others use it as information. And information can be surprisingly useful. If I'm disappointed in somebody, perhaps I need to understand their limitations more clearly. If I'm disappointed in myself, perhaps I need to examine whether my expectations were realistic in the first place. And this is where self-compassion becomes important. A bit of honest reflection without turning every setback into a personal flaw.

:: 04:50

Many of us are exceptionally skilled at extending understanding to other people. You can recognize when a friend is exhausted. You can appreciate when someone is struggling. You can see the context surrounding another person's behavior. Yet you'll often struggle to offer the same understanding to yourself. Disappointment in ourselves is not necessarily a sign that something has gone wrong. Sometimes it means we cared deeply about the outcome. Sometimes it means we aimed for something meaningful. Sometimes it means we discovered a limit we had not recognized before. Those discoveries can be uncomfortable, but they are not failures. They are part of being human.

:: 05:33

And perhaps the goal will never be to eliminate expectations altogether, but perhaps the goal is to hold them more lightly. To recognize that we can have ambitions, hopes, and standards whilst also accepting the realities of being imperfect people living alongside other imperfect people. Expectations will always exist. The question is whether they are helping us understand ourselves and others more clearly, or whether they are creating impossible standards that nobody can meet. When disappointment arrives, as it inevitably will, it does not have to become a judgment. It can simply be an invitation to adjust the picture. To see ourselves with a little more honesty. To see other people with a little more understanding. And to remember that being reasonable and being unrealistic are sometimes much closer neighbors than we realize.

:: 06:31

Thank you for being here with me today. You can find me online at drinklesslivebetter.com, where you'll find lots of supportive resources. Check out today's podcast show notes for a link to a hidden episode that will help with your 5 p.m. cravings and details about my one-to-one life coaching and sober coaching programs. And P.S. I believe in you.