162. How we gaslight ourselves
Ahh let me count the ways...
- Minimisation and rationalisation of feelings.
- Comparison and invalidation
- Emotional perfectionism
- Self blame and internalised criticism
- Selective attention and supresion
Our relationship with our emotions is complex... let's gently start to bring awareness to it.
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Transcript
Hello darling heart, and welcome to this episode of the Drink Less, Live Better podcast.
-:This is the podcast that helps you to see that drinking less doesn't need to be stressful, lonely or boring.
-:I'm your host, Sarah Williamson, and I decided to have a year alcohol free as a little life experiment and haven't looked back.
-:I'm a best selling author, expert speaker and life coach.
-:I'm here to champion you with your alcohol free or drink less adventures.
-:Give me a follow on Instagram at drink less, live better, and head over to the website drink less, livebetter.com where you'll
-:be able to sign up to the 5 day drink less experiment or join the email club where I share resources, wisdom, insights and glimmers of hope and joy.
-:I hope you like the episode today. Let's get straight to it. How we Gaslight Ourselves.
-:Before we dig in, let's just take a moment to understand what gaslighting is.
-:The term originates from the 1938 play Gaslight and its subsequent film adaptations, where a husband manipulates his wife
-:into doubting her own perceptions by dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying that the lights are flickering when she notices.
-:Gaslighting can take various forms and we most often use it when talking about one person's response to another. But we can also gaslight ourselves.
-:Gaslighting is denying the validity of a person's experience.
-:It's typically understood as a form of manipulation, trivialising, dismissing, invalidating or perhaps distorting feelings.
-:Gaslighting can have serious consequences for the victim.
-:It leads to confusion, self doubt and a loss of trust in your own thoughts and feelings.
-:The perpetrator could be someone else, as in the case of the husband and wife, but it could also be yourself.
-:So how, what might we find ourselves gaslit?
-:We often are in positions where we're grappling with conflicting feelings, navigating the puzzle of our minds.
-:There are some common ways we engage in this self deception that actually hinder our emotional truth and authenticity. Minimization and rationalization.
-:In the pursuit of an easy life, we often downplay the significance of our emotions.
-:We say things like, it's no big deal.
-:We tell ourselves, brushing off feelings of sadness, anger, or anxiety are okay.
-:Rationalisation often follows shortly after, as we concoct logical explanations to justify our experiences.
-:By dismissing the intensity or the validity of our feelings, we actually don't get close enough to the authenticity of what we really feel. Comparison and invalidating our own feelings.
-:The habit of comparing our experiences to those of others is definitely one that leads to self gaslighting.
-:We often measure them against perceived societal norms or the experiences of our friends and family.
-:How often have you heard it say, yes, but other people have it far worse than me?
-:We convince ourselves, dismissing our emotions as unwarranted or perhaps exaggerated.
-:This pattern of invalidation perpetuates the cycle of self doubt and suppression, and it hinders our genuine emotional expression. Emotional perfectionism.
-:Striving for an unattainable standard of emotional perfection, we really mask our true feelings by trying to be composed.
-:We convince ourselves that feeling anything less than positive emotions equates to failure or weakness.
-:Thank you so much, Instagram memes and positive vibes only speak.
-:You know that I'm a huge advocate for feeling fine, okay, content, rather than huge feelings of joy, empowerment, fabulousness.
-:This relentless pursuit of emotional perfection fosters self deception and perhaps the depth of our inner world.
-:Whenever I hear anyone describe crying as ugly crying, I feel so sad.
-:It's not ugly, It's an emotion freely expressed.
-:It's just perfect, whatever it looks like. Self blame and internalised criticism.
-:When confronted with challenging emotions, we often resort to self blame as a coping mechanism.
-:We berate ourselves for feeling a certain way, attributing our emotions to personal inadequacies or perhaps character flaws.
-:This criticism intensifies our feelings of guilt and shame, compelling us to invalidate our own experiences.
-:Oh, I'm too sensitive, we might say. No such thing, I say. Selective attention and suppression.
-:Faced with overwhelming or distressing emotions, we resort resort to selective attention and suppressant suppression as defence mechanisms.
-:We divert our focus away from uncomfortable feelings, distracting ourselves with busyness, escapism, or perhaps alcohol, or any other number of mechanisms.
-:By suppressing our emotions that are deemed unpleasant or inconvenient, we create an illusion of control, convincing ourselves that we are unaffected.
-:However, this deliberate avoidance only reinforce reinforces the self deception, preventing authentic emotional processing and growth. Ah, yes.
-:My perpetual feeling of overwhelm from years gone by. Created by who? Oh, yes. Me. Of course it was.
-:Self gaslighting helps us to obscure the authenticity of our innermost experiences.
-:And by saying help, I actually mean hinder.
-:It might have served a purpose up until now, but we can start to notice it, bring awareness to it, and then take some gentle action. Let's embrace emotional honesty and vulnerability.
-:Through self reflection, compassion, and validation, we can dismantle the barriers that are inhibiting us to express ourselves emotionally.
-:Our past experiences of trauma can deeply influence our relationship with our emotions.
-:If our feelings have been historically dismissed or undermined, we may internalise these messages, leading, of course, to
-:self doubt and a diminished sense of self trust.
-:Cognitive biases, such as confirmation bias and self serving can distort our perception of reality, reinforcing the patterns
-:of self gaslighting as we selectively interpret and remember information that aligns with our preconceived beliefs or desires. And you know what?
-:We are human, and so often a part of our human experience is vulnerability and self acceptance. More on this in future episodes. Deep breath. You're okay. You're doing okay enough. Thank you for listening in today. Do come back again next week. And PS, I believe in you.
