24. I'm Alcohol Free but my partner isn't

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Hello, darling heart, and welcome to the drink less, live better podcast. This is the podcast that helps you to see that drinking

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less doesn't need to be stressful, lonely, or boring. I'm your host, Sarah Williamson, and I decided to have a year alcohol

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free as a little life experiment and haven't looked back. With my experience and training, I now help other women with their

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alcohol free or drink less adventures. I'm here to tell you that you can be truly joyful without alcohol in your life. Join

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me here each week to find out how. Today, I'd like to tell you a story about me being the only adult in my house who doesn't

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drink alcohol. This subject is inspired by a question emailed to sarah@drinklesslivebetter.com. If you've got a subject you'd

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like to hear me cover in a future podcast, do drop me a message. My husband drinks, and I don't, and that is okay with me

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most of the time. This whole alcohol free thing has been a learning curve for everyone in our household. When I decided to

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do my year long alcohol free life experiment, my husband and I discussed it briefly before I started, and it seemed like no

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big deal for him. It was something I was doing, and he was going to be a bit of a bystander. I never expected him to be a

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cheerleader. I was making the choice for myself, and I didn't think I needed anyone else to tell me that I was doing a good

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thing or validate my choice in any way. So I chose to stop drinking in December 2019, and he carried on as he ever did. Oh,

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screech of brakes, a couple of weeks later. Hang on a sec. What I hadn't articulated out loud, or indeed to myself, was the

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fact that my brain had assumed that when I stopped drinking, my husband would notice my beautiful, technicolor, alcohol free

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life and decide that he wanted all the good stuff too, and he would choose to stop drinking as well. In my fantasy world,

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he'd say, oh, darling heart, I've noticed how radiant you look, how happy you are, what an amazing example you're setting

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for our kids, how much money you've saved, and I want all of this too. I'm ditching the booze. And then we dance off into

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the moonlight to romantic music and congratulate ourselves on how clever we've been to find this brave new world together.

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And, dear listener, that is not what happened. At the start of January 2020, I asked him if he fancied doing a dry jam together,

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and he said, no, thank you. In fact, it was actually ruder than that, but that was the gist. In the spring of 2020, I thought

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I would tell him all the benefits of being alcohol free so that I wasn't keeping all the secret stuff to myself, and I expected

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him to then say to me, ah, yes. The scales have fallen from my eyes. I didn't realize what I was missing out till now. I'm

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going to join you. And he didn't. So having suggested that he stop too, and he didn't, and then hoping he would stop without

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me mentioning it again and he didn't, I stopped giving it much brain space. My husband drinks a few beers on a Friday Saturday

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night or whenever we go out together. He drinks when we socialise with friends and family, and he tends to get blasted when

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he goes out with his friends. I don't judge him. I used to do the same and much, much worse. I don't even wish it was different.

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A really important thing for me to remember is that I was unhappy with the way that drinking was making me feel, and he isn't

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experiencing the same feelings as I had. When he cracks open a beer on a Friday night, I make sure that I have a lovely drink

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at the same time, so it feels like we're still connecting over Friday night chill time. I'll have an alcohol free g and t

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or a fancy pants mocktail. When we're in a bar together, I choose a ginger beer or an alcohol free lager. Some people refer

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to the moments where your emotional state is shifted momentarily as a trigger. A trigger might affect your ability to remain

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present in the moment, and it may bring up specific thought patterns or influence your behavior differently than you would

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like. If I ever feel myself getting wistful or romanticizing the idea of having an alcoholic drink, I have a few sentences

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in the back of my head I can reach for. I'll share them now. Welcome to the inner workings of my brain. No one ever regretted

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not drinking the morning after, and I'm delighted with my decision. I'm fuelled by the people I'm with and the fun I share

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with them. Alcohol poisons my body and brain and tomorrow morning I'll feel fabulous. I choose alcohol free and joy filled

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experiences. If I'm momentarily struggling, I question the struggle, confirm with myself that I'm not giving in in this moment

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and then I recommit to it by saying inside my head, this moment is fleeting. So mostly I stay in my own lane with my choice

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not to drink. I don't try to bring any of my friends or family over to my side of the street on the not drinking front. I

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see my husband continuing to drink, and I choose not to be affected by his decision. I choose positive words to reframe the

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situation when I feel a wobble. I stop and breathe. I really breathe for a moment. I choose delicious food and really enjoy

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it. I check-in with my alcohol free insider's friends, and I stand firm. I might question my decision from time to time, but

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I always come back to it as the right choice. My partner isn't alcohol free, and I am. Together and apart, we are so much

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more than our drinking habits. Thank you for listening to this episode. Please listen in again next time. You can sign up

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to my 5 day drink less experiment and find out about working with me one to 1 at drink less live better dot com. Thank you,

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and PS, I believe in you.