229. Other people's discomfort

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Hello and welcome back to the Drink Less Live Better podcast. I'm Sarah Williamson.

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You can follow me on Instagram, check out my website, or read my book Drink Less Live Better for insights, wisdom and resources to support you.

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I have life coaching spots open at the moment.

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Send me an email and tell me if you if you're interested in working together okay, let's get on with today's episode.

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Today I want to talk about something that I heard said recently.

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I've thought about it a lot and I think it's something worth exploring together.

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Not just for me, but maybe for you too. Here is what I heard.

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When we have a get together, you should drink because others don't know what to do with you when you're not drinking and it's not fair on them.

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Okay, let's have that one more time.

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When we have a get together, you should drink because others don't know what to do with you when you're not drinking and it's not fair on them. Okay, I want to be clear.

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I'm pretty sure this wasn't said in a mean or unkind way.

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It maybe wasn't meant to be hurtful.

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In fact, I think it came from a place of trying to express social discomfort, attention felt in some way or another.

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But also I think it deserves some unpacking. Let's do that gently and kindly.

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Oh, and by the way, just because it wasn't meant in an unkind way does doesn't mean it wasn't received like that.

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It could well have felt deeply unkind and hurtful.

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So today's episode really is about boundaries.

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It's about the often invisible expectations we place on each other in social settings, especially around alcohol, the way

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we talk about it, the way we project our feelings onto others and how others behave towards us.

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Okay, let's start with what this comment might really be saying.

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I think at its heart, the person was saying, when you don't join in, I feel uncertain.

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I'm not sure how to connect with you.

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I feel different from you and that makes me feel uncomfortable. Okay, so that's human. It really is. We are social beings. We.

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We look for sameness, shared experience, common ground, especially when we're socialising, celebrating or relaxing together.

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However, here's where the weight of that statement really lands.

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It is suggesting that my comfort, my choice, should be adjusted for other people.

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Not because I'm causing harm, but because I'm simply not doing what everyone else is doing.

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And I think that opens up a really important conversation.

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What happens when someone in the room opts out of the norm.

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What happens when someone doesn't drink or doesn't eat meat or doesn't laugh at the joke that made everyone else laugh?

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Do we make space for that difference or do we try and pull them back into the fold?

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I think most people don't mean to shame anyone.

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They just want everyone to feel included.

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But the way we go about creating inclusion often ends up asking people to shrink themselves or to step away from what feels true to them.

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It leads to quite the opposite feelings of exclusion.

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And if I'm being honest, hearing you should drink so others aren't uncomfortable makes me wonder, why is my drinking more

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uncomfortable than someone else's pressure to drink?

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Why do we feel responsible for keeping the group at ease by erasing our own lines?

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I don't have all the answers, and I want to approach this with a lot of empathy.

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We've all said things that didn't quite land right or that we've changed our mind about later.

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We've all felt awkward when someone doesn't join in. And sometimes that awkwardness makes us.

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Makes us say things out of our own discomfort.

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But maybe this is an opportunity, a quiet invitation to check in with how we show up for each other.

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Because not drinking doesn't mean I'm judging you.

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It doesn't mean I'm morally superior or secretly criticising your choices. I'm not.

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It just means in that moment, I'm choosing different. That's all.

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And if difference is hard to sit with, maybe that's where the real conversation begins.

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Maybe that's the moment to lean in, not push away.

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I've learned over time that choosing our boundaries, whether it's about alcohol or anything else, takes practice.

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And it often takes even more practice to allow others to choose theirs without taking it personally.

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It's okay to feel a little bit awkward.

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That's not necessarily a sign that something's wrong.

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It's often just a sign that something is different. And difference, it isn't necessarily dangerous.

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So if you've ever felt like the odd one out because you didn't drink or laugh or follow along, I see you. I understand.

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And if you've ever found yourself unsure how to connect with someone who made a different choice than you, that's okay too. Let's just keep trying our best. Let's be curious instead of corrective.

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Let's make room at the table for people to be the whole of themselves and not just agreeable for comfort's sake.

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You don't have to drink to belong.

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You don't have to perform to be accepted. So be yourself. Do it gently, kindly, fully.

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And thank goodness for the people who are making that as easy as possible for you. Thank you for listening in today.

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Check out the show notes for resources and ways to work with me.

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Oh, and P S I believe in you.