204. Our need for reassurance

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Hello darling heart and welcome to this episode of the Drink Less Live Better podcast.

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This is the podcast that helps you to see that drinking less doesn't need to be stressful, lonely, or boring.

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I'm your host, Sarah Williamson, and I decided to have a year alcohol free as a little life experiment and haven't looked back.

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I'm here to support you with your alcohol free or drink less adventures.

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You can follow me on Instagram at drink less live better and find resources on my website drinklesslivebetter.com.

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You can buy my book drink less Live Better.

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It's available in all the places you might purchase a book.

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I hope you enjoy this podcast episode. Let's get straight to it. Our human need for reassurance.

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Have you ever found yourself asking somebody else, do you think I did the right thing or made the right decision?

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How about, are you sure this looks okay?

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Maybe you've lain awake at night replaying a conversation, seeking confirmation in your mind that you said the right thing to the right person.

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I'm here to tell you we all do it, the seeking of reassurance, this need to know we're on the right path.

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Are we, in our prime, confident and self assured at this point in our lives?

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Here we are sometimes feeling like we need just as much validation as we did in our twenties, only about different things. Well, newsflash, this is all normal.

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Right now, I'm asking why we seek reassurance, how to give it to ourselves, and when it's okay, even healthy,

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Needing reassurance doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.

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The reassurance I'm particularly thinking of at the moment is wanting and indeed needing to know other people navigated difficult

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paths, other people got through tricky times, and other people are okay on the other side.

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Our brains are wired to look for certainty. It's a survival mechanism.

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Uncertainty worries our nervous system, making us feel unsafe or unsettled.

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When we're seeking reassurance, what we're really looking for is safety, confirmation that we're okay and that we're on the right track. Seeking reassurance isn't a character flaw.

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It's often a sign that you care deeply about making good choices and living well.

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The problem isn't in needing reassurance, it's in becoming dependent on external validation for decision making and or confirmation.

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What can we do differently then if we are aware that we're relying on external sources for reassurance?

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First, we need to become aware of our reassurance seeking patterns.

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Are you constantly asking others for their opinion?

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Do you doubt your decisions even after you've made them?

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Recognition is so often the first step towards change.

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You could then start keeping a wins journal.

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Each evening write down three things you won or you did well that day.

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They don't have to be big achievements.

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Maybe you handled a difficult conversation well or went for a walk despite not feeling like it.

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This creates a personal evidence bank of your capabilities.

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You could try practicing some self validation statements.

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Instead of asking someone, did I do okay?

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Try telling yourself, I did my best with the information I had.

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It might feel awkward at first, but like any new habit, it gets easier with practice.

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Write them down if you cannot bear to say them out loud. Okay.

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So when is it absolutely alright to seek external reassurance?

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We're not meant to do life alone, and sometimes we do need an outside perspective.

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Having a trusted friend review your CV, totally fine.

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Messaging 10 people about whether it's okay if you don't drink on the upcoming girls night out, that might be crossing into excessive territory.

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Reassurance from others is best as the cherry on top, not the whole cake.

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Building that base of self trust first is all important.

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The next time you feel that urgent need for reassurance, pause, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, what would I say to my best friend in this situation?

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Often, we have all the information and the wisdom we need.

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We just need to learn to access it.

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You are doing better than you think you are.

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Your intuition is stronger than you realize.

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Reassure yourself that it's okay to listen to yourself. You are safe to do that. It's okay to need reassurance sometimes.

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Just make sure you're not outsourcing your self trust entirely.

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I've just thought of a quick side note.

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A while ago, I was telling my therapist a story about something I had done and how I felt about it.

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I said to her at the end of the story, and that is another piece of evidence as to why I cannot trust myself.

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Dear listener, I wish I could show you a picture of what her face looked like in that moment.

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Let me try and describe it instead.

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She had her mouth open, her forehead raised and her eyes wide open. Stop right there, she said. Okay.

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Let's have a closer look at that statement, shall we? She was correct. We laughed about it.

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Gathering evidence as to why we cannot trust ourselves, believe in ourselves, be kind to ourselves is a brutal way to live.

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Let's gather the evidence to support the truth of who we are, kind, resourceful, courageous, and more.

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We can look for re assurance externally, but let's aim to find it internally. Thank you for listening in today. Come back again next week.

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Check out the show notes for a link to a hidden podcast episode that will help you with your 5PM cravings and details about

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my one to one life coaching and sober coaching programs. And, PS, I believe in you.