232. Some feelings are more comfortable than others

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Hello and welcome back to the Drink Less Live Better podcast.

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I'm Sarah Williamson and you can follow me on Instagram or check out my website or read my book, Drink Less Live Better for insights, wisdom and resources.

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I have coaching spots open at the moment.

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You can send me an email and tell me if you're interested.

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Okay, let's get on with today's episode.

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Some feelings are more comfortable than others.

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Today my focus is on why anger and numbness are often easier to feel than sadness and pain.

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And how alcohol can quietly or loudly play a big role in that dynamic.

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Some people say anger is a secondary emotion.

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It tends to show up when there's something more vulnerable beneath it, like fear, grief, or shame.

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But unlike those raw emotions, anger has a real energy to it. It creates a sense of control.

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It gives us direction, even if it's a destructive one. And numbness?

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Well, sometimes that's described as the absence of a feeling.

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It's like putting the entire emotional spectrum on airplane mode.

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Not feeling it, but sadness, pain, grief.

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These emotions all demand something of us.

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They ask us to stop to be hurt.

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They make us feel powerless, exposed, and most of all, human.

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And that's why so many of us try to avoid them.

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That's why we reach for something, anything, to make the discomfort go away.

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And for many people, that something is alcohol.

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Let's take a step back and see how this plays out. Perhaps you've had a rough day.

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Maybe you got passed over for a promotion, or you're going through a breakup, or you had a disagreement with someone you love.

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You get home, you're feeling narky, sad, raw.

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But instead of just feeling into that pain, you crack open a drink and. And maybe another. And why not a third?

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Before long, the sting of sadness is replaced with a numb kind of calm or nothingness, maybe even a little bit of irritation or anger.

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It's easier to be really cross at your line manager or your ex or your mother in law than it is to cry over the feeling of rejection. Anger feels powerful. Sadness, not so much. And this isn't just about behavior. This is biology.

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Our brains are wired to seek relief from discomfort. Anger activates our flight response. There's adrenaline, cortisol, movement, action. It feels like doing sadness. However, it slows us down. It's connected to grief and helplessness.

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And when we haven't been taught or shown how to process these heavier emotions, it makes perfect sense that we try and find ways to bypass them.

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And alcohol is one of the most socially accepted bypasses.

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When we drink, we're not just numbing the pain, we're numbing everything.

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Alcohol suppresses activity in the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that's responsible for rational thinking, empathy and emotional regulation.

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It also messes with the limbic system, which is responsible for emotional memory and behaviour.

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In short, alcohol doesn't help us process emotions, it disconnects us from them.

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When we use alcohol to try and avoid our feelings, the feelings don't go away. They get buried or deferred.

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And over time, what started as occasional sadnesses can evolve into perhaps anxiety, irritability, or maybe an overriding feeling of emotional flatness.

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And that is where things get complicated.

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If you're feeling numb, or if you only seem able to access anger, sadness, grief, it might be a sign that those unprocessed

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feelings are just sitting underneath the surface.

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There are stories, experiences, or parts of you that haven't had the space to be witnessed, Perhaps.

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And the more that you avoid the pain, whether through alcohol, distraction or repression, the more you're likely to stay stuck in that loop.

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So what does it look like to not need numb out, to really feel the emotional pain?

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First, I suppose it's important to say it might be hard.

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There isn't anything easy about facing sadness head on.

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It does require slowing down, feeling vulnerable, and often confronting things we've spent a lifetime trying to avoid. But also, it can be healing.

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When we allow ourselves to feel sadness, we do create the space for connection with ourselves and. And with others.

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We might begin to recognise our own needs. Perhaps we find compassion. Maybe we soften a bit.

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Choosing not to use alcohol as a coping tool means being honest with yourself about why you're drinking in the first place.

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There's no shame in using what's available to you to get through hard times.

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But there is incredible power in starting to build a toolkit. And that includes more than numbing.

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Maybe there's therapy, perhaps movement, breathwork, journaling, calling a friend and saying, I'd love to talk.

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These are practices that will help bring you back to yourself, back to the emotions that are trying to tell you something.

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If you're listening to this and realising that maybe anger has been masking your pain, or.

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Or maybe you've been floating around in numbness just to get by.

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I want to gently remind you you're not broken.

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Your brain and body are doing their best to protect you, but you are allowed to feel more, to go deeper, to start letting some of that sadness rise.

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And maybe, little by little, you'll find it's not as unbearable as you thought it might be.

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Maybe there's even some peace on the other side of it. Thank you for listening in today.

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Check out the show notes for resources and ways to work with me.

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Oh, and P.S. i believe in you.