231. Advice that isn't asked for is probably criticism
Unsolicited advice, while sometimes well-intentioned, often backfires. It implies that the recipient is doing something wrong and that is not nice to be on the receiving end of. Let's do better.
Sober Summer - 90 days of 1:1 coaching
Book a space in my Zoom Diary to discuss 1:1 coaching here
Buy the best-selling book Drink Less; Live Better here or order from anywhere you usually buy your books.
Subscribe to my 5 day Drink Less Experiment here
Did you know I've HIDDEN a podcast episode?
It's your secret weapon at 5pm if you are feeling cravings for alcohol. You can download it here
You can work with me 1:1 over 90 days to change your relationship with alcohol?
All details HERE
BTW - If you didn't already know, I'm Sarah - Drink Less; Live Better founder, best-selling author, expert speaker, life coach and, as you already know, podcast host!
We don't have to hit rock bottom, we're allowed to want something different and we can CHOOSE to improve our lives from this point onwards.
I work in the magic space where doubt, hope and action meet... oh.... and
PS I believe in you!
Let's get connected;
on Facebook
on insta
Check out Drink Less; Live Better for blog posts and more
Subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss an episode - also please do leave a like or review and share the love! Thank you
Found the podcast useful? I'd love to have a coffee with you - you can buy it here THANK YOU!
Transcript
Hello and welcome back to the Drink Less Live Better podcast. I'm Sarah Williamson.
-:You can follow me on Instagram, check out my website, or read my book Drink Less Live Better for insights, wisdom and resources.
-:I have coaching sports open at the moment.
-:Send me an email and tell me if you're interested.
-:Okay, let's get on with today's episode.
-:Advice that isn't asked for is probably criticism I heard someone say this recently and I thought to myself, oh, that sounds snappy. Sounds like something I might say. Is it true? Let's hear it.
-:Advice that isn't asked for is probably criticism.
-:Okay, we've probably all been on both sides of this one.
-:You're venting to a friend about a rough day and suddenly they're telling you what you should do.
-:Or maybe you've seen someone struggling and jumped in with what you thought was helpful advice, only to watch them shut down or get defensive. Why does this happen?
-:Why does advice, especially unsolicited advice, so often land like an insult instead of support?
-:I've got five thoughts for you on this subject.
-:Thought one is about the very nature of unsolicited advice.
-:When we give advice that hasn't been asked for, what we're really doing, whether we mean to or not, is implying that the other person isn't handling things correctly.
-:If someone says, I'm really overwhelmed with work at the moment, and you respond with, oh, well, you should learn to manage
-:your time better or set hard boundaries.
-:Say no to requests from your co workers or your line manager.
-:You might think you're helping, but what they're probably hearing is you are not doing this right.
-:Unsolicited advice often feels like judgment, and judgment tends to close people off, not open them up.
-:Now, this doesn't mean advice is bad. Far from it.
-:Good advice can be life changing, but it's about the context.
-:And very importantly, it's about getting consent to give advice.
-:Thought number two why do we give unsolicited advice? Well, giving advice can feel good.
-:It makes us feel useful, knowledgeable, even worldly wise. We want to help. Of course we do.
-:We see someone we care about in distress and we want to fix it. That's human.
-:But that urge to fix can override empathy.
-:Instead of being with someone in their discomfort, we jump straight to problem solving.
-:And in doing so, we often miss what they actually need in that moment.
-:Maybe to be heard, to be validated, to be supported and understood.
-:Sometimes giving advice is more about our discomfort than theirs.
-:It's hard to watch someone struggle so we try to control the situation by offering solutions even when they weren't asked for.
-:Thought number three what's the impact of unsolicited advice? Well, it can damage trust.
-:It can make people feel small, incompetent, or misunderstood.
-:Have you ever opened up to someone only to regret it because they immediately started telling you what you should do? That pain you feel?
-:That's not because they gave you bad advice necessarily.
-:It's because they didn't listen to you first.
-:They assumed that they knew better what you needed than you did.
-:This can be really particularly painful in close relationships, friends, partners, perhaps even parents.
-:When people give advice without asking it, it creates emotional distance.
-:It tells the other person, I'm not really seeing who you are.
-:I'm seeing a problem and I want to fix it.
-:Thought number four how can we do it differently? What can we do instead?
-:Well, maybe take a pause and ask before jumping into advice mode.
-:Perhaps you could try something like, do you want some advice?
-:Or would you just like me to listen to you?
-:How about, would it help if I shared what worked for me?
-:Or what kind of support would you like from me right now? These questions signal respect.
-:They shift the power back to the person and allow them to decide what they want or what they need. Another nice approach is reflective listening.
-:That means repeating back what you're hearing in your own words to show that you really are paying attention.
-:It helps the speaker to feel really listened to. I've said this once.
-:I've said it a lot of times. People are not projects. People are not projects.
-:Sometimes people need a space to talk through or think through what's going on with them without being redirected as a project.
-:Thought number When Advice is welcome of course, there are going to be times when advice or guidance is deeply appreciated.
-:But those moments usually involve a bit of trust, timing, and most importantly, a request for it.
-:If someone says, what do you think I should do? Then go for it. That's your green light.
-:But even then, I'd still be cautious about framing your advice gently.
-:Well, in my experience, this is what helped.
-:Or one option you could consider is.
-:Or, hmm, I wonder if it might be helpful too.
-:These types of sentences offer ideas without imposing them.
-:Okay, the next time you feel that urge to give advice pause, ask yourself, am I offering this because they asked or because I'm uncomfortable with their struggle?
-:Real support doesn't always look like solutions.
-:Sometimes it's presence and sometimes it's silent present. That sounds really hard.
-:I'm listening to you unsolicited advice might feel helpful, but it's often received as criticism.
-:Let's practice listening first and asking other people what they think they might need or want from us. Thank you for listening in today.
-:Check out the show notes for resources and ways to work with me.
-:Oh, and P S I believe in you.
